This is one of my favorite verses from a song I wrote in the past few years. If you are acquainted with early 20^th-century American poets, it may have a certain familiarity.

There’s a fork here in the road
And sadly, we will travel both
You go your way. I’ll go mine
But we’ll meet up in a better time

The first two lines of this verse were inspired by Robert Frost’s 1915 poem “The Road Not Taken.”

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both”

My gratitude for these lines goes beyond Frost, and I should acknowledge his inspiration, Edward Thomas. If you go down this rabbit hole a bit, you’ll find the poem leads to a rather sad ending.

In Frost’s version, the lament is that he could not take both roads. In my song, a couple was on a path together, but when the roads diverged, they went their separate ways. “And that,” as Frost says, “has made all the difference.”

I hint at the hope that the couple’s paths will cross again at some better time, but we know that once roads diverge, they rarely come back together.

I will talk about another form of inspiration that comes from being present, open, and aware.

In the late summer of 2022, I met someone who briefly became very important in my life. One day, I went to a duck pond for lunch. As I sat there, I thought of my friend. I took pictures of the pond and sent them along. Later that day, we danced in the kitchen and talked for hours. When I got home, I wrote a song about that day and everything that was said. Here is one of the verses from that song.

Clouds would dance, and fish would fly
While you hold little Winston tight
Love is never at first sight
We have to blink, but that’s alright

Some of the lines seem strange, and frankly, I’m not a huge fan of the rhyming scheme, but almost every word in the song was from our conversation or the pictures I sent. In the photo, you can see the clouds reflecting in the pond, which seemed to dance in the ripples. You can also see fish that appear to be swimming in the clouds. Hence the line about clouds dancing and fish flying. The last two lines of the verse speak to the fact that when we first met, I was not exactly present and wasn’t paying attention. It took a little time, but now the protagonist is fully invested, and that should be fine. I say “should be” because what you don’t see, and the beauty of writing songs is that the verse is written with minor chords, and the attentive listener would correctly suspect that everything is not fine.

The point is that inspiration can come from anywhere. It can be an early 20th-century poem or a conversation with a friend. Anything and everything I see around me in this coffee shop has the potential to be a song or a story. I find inspiration to be a fascinating subject, and I will have more to say about it. I would also like to hear your thoughts. If there is something in particular that inspires you, feel free to share it.

When I think about audience, I think about what turned out to be a very ironic song, “Duchess,” written by Genesis band members Michael Rutherford, Tony Banks, and Phil Collins and found on the album Duke.

The song tells the story of Duchess, a singer who, at the beginning of her career, is only focused on her music. “She never thought about the future. She just did what she would.” At this point in the song, she doesn’t really care what other people think of her music. Instead, she wrote and played for herself. Once she tasted success, however, things started to change. After that, things got more challenging, and there was “Too much thinking ’bout the future and what people might want.” Eventually, people stopped coming to hear her sing, and all she was left with were her memories of cheering fans.

The irony comes on two levels. First, the song is ironic as it was supposed to be part of a 23-minute medley that told a much larger story. Genesis had done this with songs such as “In the Cage.” Personally, I love the medleys, and if you pay attention to the album, you can hear the storyline being reprised at several moments in the overall concept of the album. On occasion, though, it does feel disjointed, but overall, it is a very good album. They didn’t create a 23-minute song so “Duchess” could be released as a single. You could say that the group was now starting to think about what the people might want.

The group and Collins, in particular, started to become more single-oriented. Maybe he just stands out because he was more successful at the music industry’s pivot to the all-important single. Phil became ubiquitous. His music turned up on television and film, and he seemingly produced every album by everyone for about 10-15 years. One could say that the success, the pivot toward worrying about what the people might want, cost Collins and left him with only the memories of the super-shows of the seventies and eighties. That is probably a stretch, but the argument could be made.

So, yes, that goes through my head when I think about the audience. For example, I had a brief conversation with someone after I had done a reading of a chapter of a novel I had written. When I was done, everyone was complimentary. They seemed to really enjoy it. The next day, I was told how successful it was, but when I saw my sales, there was not one that I could directly attribute to the reading.

My response was that perhaps there is no audience for what I do. After assuring me that there had to be, a suggestion was made that I add something to the story. My immediate thought was, “Duchess!” I decided that there may be no audience for my writing style, but that’s fine by me. Yes, I would like to make enough money to walk away from my job and devote full time to sitting in cafés writing for a few hours every day. I wrote it for me, and all subsequent projects will also be for me. Writing would cease to be fun if I had to think of what everyone wanted.

It is fun if other people buy and enjoy my work, and I will always take technical advice to improve them. I figure if I enjoy writing them, others might enjoy reading them. I will also accept technical advice because there is always room for improvement. I will probably never make a living as a writer because of this…and other factors. But, in the end, I will stick to the advice of the cautionary tale by Genesis, and I will not think about the future. I will do what I will.

“As long as people exist, I’ll never lack inspiration.” -Morello

The interesting thing about inspiration is that if you are open, it can come from anywhere. In this regard, I am more like John Irving. I often start with real people. In fact, I often start with me. That said, I’m not as interesting as any of my characters, nor have I done everything they’ve done. (Then again, they haven’t done everything I’ve done either, so that makes us even.) I will start with a glimpse of reality and then take that reality to its highest point.

I am borrowing that “heightened reality” idea from the theatre. Theatre is not reality. Not even realism is reality, but what it has or what it exploits are those high points in reality. With very few exceptions, you don’t see characters watching television or cutting their nails. Those bits are edited out of the piece that tries to give you the more interesting interactions in one’s life.

So, I may take a line I’ve heard and build a character or a scene around it. The line is the inspiration, it evokes a feeling, and I take that line to what I think is the logical conclusion. Fine, I admit that the conclusions might occasionally be a little farfetched. Let me give you an example.

I was at a café in DC recently. I was going to start a short story right then and there. I sat down on a couch and started thinking and playing with ideas. I was thinking of things I’ve done, seen, or heard when a woman sat down on the couch with me. That act, the act of a woman I’ve never met sitting down next to me, started an avalanche of ideas. The café morphed into a slightly different café. The couch was altered, and so was the woman. I never did speak to her beyond the little pleasantries, and I set to work. Eventually, she became, or a version of her became, a significant character in a novel. It was an unexpected but perhaps fortuitous accident. I was inspired.

For me, it is hard to get inspired if I am not in public doing things. I want to jump out of planes, swim at the bottom of the Caribbean, and ski down mountains. I also want to talk to people, from the kid who led me down the most dangerous rapids in Colombia, to politicians, to the guy who built dams and bridges for the WPA.

These are just a few of the things that inspire me. The key is to find out what inspires you, and I would like to hear from you on this topic. What is it that inspires you?

I’m considering dating again. It has been a while since my last relationship, I’ve taken the time to heal, and I’ve taken the time to grow as a person, so now it’s time. After each relationship, it’s essential to reflect on what was good about it and what you might do differently in the future. Notice that I didn’t say think about what you could have done differently because that keeps you in the past instead of moving forward as a person. Once that work is done, and that work should be joyful, only then can you move forward.

Know Yourself and Know What you Need

You want to find someone who is perfect for you. We all do. But, to find that person, you need to know yourself first. Therapy can help with this journey, but most of it comes from living the life you desire and paying attention to the things that bring you joy. For example, if you are outdoorsy, you might not want to date someone who hates the outdoors and would prefer museums and books, no matter how attractive you find that person.

That said, understanding your hobbies is only a part of what you need to know. Be honest, what do you find attractive in other people physically, emotionally, and intellectually? Physical attraction is important. We are in a time where people want to disown that idea as archaic, but it has become clear that understanding why we have particular predilections is more valuable.

We also need someone we can connect with on an emotional level. How do you deal with stressful situations? How do you deal with joy? How you demonstrate your feelings are all crucial factors in finding someone compatible. Make sure any potential partners are aware of how you react emotionally, and if you don’t react the same way, at least make sure that your differences are compatible. For example, I’ve been in relationships where my partner expected me to respond to situations the way they would, but that just wasn’t who I was. I wish I were more effusive, but I’ve always been low-key, to quote Jeff Tweedy.

Some people need to discuss philosophical concepts all day long, and some people like to talk about pop culture. While having both people on your trivia team gives you a broader knowledge base, unless those people can find outlets for their intellectual needs, they will feel stifled in the relationship. There has to be a certain amount of intellectual interest overlap. You don’t want a clone of yourself, but you do want to be able to have enjoyable conversations.

Love is Transactional, Except When it’s Not

Love is like a job, the way people used to think about jobs. You went to work for a company and stayed for life. You dedicated yourself to a place, and you got something in return. Now it seems both relationships and jobs are ephemeral; people leave jobs, they leave partners, or they get fired from jobs and from partners.

In a relationship, you give a good portion of yourself to your partner. In return, they dedicate a part of themselves to you. You can consider this a transaction. No one should want to be with someone who doesn’t love them or doesn’t ever spend any time with them. There is almost always give and take. However, and this is important to recognize, there will be times when your partner cannot give as much to the relationship, and the transaction can only go one way. I have seen situations like this work and seen them be the end of a relationship. There may be traumatic events, deaths in the family, illnesses, or accidents that create a situation where one of the partners needs to take a more prominent role in the relationship. Recognizing when your partner needs more of you can save a relationship. In these situations, they may not be able to see it themselves or be capable of asking for help, but paying attention and being there in those times of need can make all the difference.

Forget the Endgame

A common question on dating sites is a version of “how long do you want your next relationship to last.” This is an unfortunate question to ask. To quote a song by The Old 97s, “Love is a marathon, sometimes you puke.” When you start a marathon, you don’t think about the finish line; you think about what’s just ahead of you. Even when you are fully committed and need to plan for retirement, your primary focus should still be on where you are at the moment. What can I do with my partner today, this month, this year? Show up every day and put one foot in front of another.

Communicate

Communication is a cliched trope in relationship advice. We are all told to communicate better, but how does that happen? Again, it comes back to being comfortable with yourself and choosing the right partner. I’ve had partners who have accepted me for who I was, and I was completely honest with them. On the other hand, I’ve had others who would judge me, and I found myself holding more and more back.

Another communication trick is to pay attention to old people and children. Neither of those groups cares what people think of what they say and will tell you exactly what’s on their minds. At some point, around middle school, we become hyper-aware of what others think of us and start constructing barriers to our authentic selves. Recognize that in yourself and take down those barriers. They can only inhibit honest communication.

A last little trick is to record arguments and take the time to analyze them afterward. Allow your partner to correct or retract things they hear on the recording. Then, use the recordings to come to a resolution.

Set time every day and every week to debrief and talk about the important topics of the day. I found this to be surprisingly tricky. It is amazing how the day can get away from us, so scheduling this time with your partner is imperative.

Stop Listening to Hacks on the Internet and Go to Counselling

This last idea is pretty straightforward. Most things you see on the internet ought to be suspect. The internet doesn’t know you, and you are individuals with your own little quirks. Early in the relationship, see someone who can get to know your individual needs and help guide you through any rough patches you encounter. And yes, this advice holds for me. Stop reading this article right now and go find someone who can get to know you and partner as individuals.

Within the last few months, I have noticed a change in the people of Chicago. It seems that, by in large,  they have reverted to their Midwestern ways.

One of the things that I have always appreciated about the people in the city of Chicago, and Cook County in general, is that even though over 5 million people live there, they still adhere to a Midwestern sensibility. When I lived here full time, I’m not sure I noticed it, but now that I have become the quintessential outside insider, it has become more noticeable.

Let me give some examples of what I’ve seen through the years. The nineties had some terrible years for the city. At that time, violence was at a high that, to this day, has not been eclipsed, yet, when I walked through my neighborhood searching desperately for my car, people would say hello or good morning. My students at Providence St. Mel were kind and lovely kids. Driving was always tricky in and around the city, but you rarely heard car horns, and people would allow you to merge…at 80 miles an hour.

In the late 90s, I went and got a Ph.D. and left for small-town Pennsylvania. Even though I lived in a small town, I noticed a profound difference. For example, when I would go for a run or walk downtown, people averted their gaze. People wouldn’t even acknowledge your humanity, let alone greet you. I spent almost ten years there, rarely returning to Chicago, so although it bothered me, I got used to it. That’s a lie. I never really got used to it. I am, at heart, a Midwest Chicago kid.

A few years ago, I started returning to Chicago for longer and longer periods, spending up to a third of my year in the greater Chicagoland area. At that point, there was a shift in behavior. People were driving more violently, behaving badly, and generally treating each other poorly. People were growing very concerned with the rise in violence in and around the city. Outsiders poured fuel on the fire and piled on with awful online rhetoric about the city and the people living there. Things seemed to spiral out of control, and the finger pointing ran rampant.

The violence I saw manifested itself in a variety of ways, reaching every segment of society. I think the most fascinating representation of violence came from behind the wheel of the increasing number of cars on the road. It wasn’t just that people were speeding. It was the way they would do it. Chicagoans drive fast as it is, but they started driving with a sense of violent recklessness, weaving in and out of traffic in ways I hadn’t seen before. I saw people drive on sidewalks or go around me at a stoplight just to run it.

Then something happened. When I returned again in the summer of ’22, I noticed another profound shift that the people living here probably didn’t notice. If you are in an environment every day, you don’t always see the little changes, but when someone comes and goes at regular increments, they can see the differences more clearly. I saw changes.

It was noticeable everywhere, even in the driving. Midwestern kindness had broken through the cloud of darkness that fell over the country for a few years. Sure, some individuals didn’t get the memo, but by in large, things were improving. The violence started trending down, even in the face of growing economic uncertainty, which is rare. Strangers were chatting in cafés and bars. People were again nodding or waving as I ran, albeit very slowly, along the lakefront.

On a more serious note, gun violence and homicides were trending down again. Again, they never did reach the heights of pre-gun control 90s, but they were extremely high for a few years. In 2022, however, shootings were down by 17%, and murders were down by 10%. The goal should be zero acts of gun violence in the city, but at least we are trending in the right direction.

I think inertia is an important property of physics that applies to kindness in a city as well. Inertia is the idea that matter will not change speed or direction unless acted upon by other forces. So the increasing kindness in the city of Chicago should continue moving in the right direction, provided that we don’t have a return of the external forces that started its erosion in the first place.

Chicagoans have always had their Chicagoness in common. It really doesn’t matter what people look like or where they are from. Eventually, Chicagoness gets ahold of everyone. Sadly, for a while, we lost our common Chicagoness as external forces tore our communities and even families apart. Fortunately, those external forces have been removed, and we are free to focus on what makes us a Midwest town in the heart of a global city.