I’m considering dating again. It has been a while since my last relationship, I’ve taken the time to heal, and I’ve taken the time to grow as a person, so now it’s time. After each relationship, it’s essential to reflect on what was good about it and what you might do differently in the future. Notice that I didn’t say think about what you could have done differently because that keeps you in the past instead of moving forward as a person. Once that work is done, and that work should be joyful, only then can you move forward.
Know Yourself and Know What you Need
You want to find someone who is perfect for you. We all do. But, to find that person, you need to know yourself first. Therapy can help with this journey, but most of it comes from living the life you desire and paying attention to the things that bring you joy. For example, if you are outdoorsy, you might not want to date someone who hates the outdoors and would prefer museums and books, no matter how attractive you find that person.
That said, understanding your hobbies is only a part of what you need to know. Be honest, what do you find attractive in other people physically, emotionally, and intellectually? Physical attraction is important. We are in a time where people want to disown that idea as archaic, but it has become clear that understanding why we have particular predilections is more valuable.
We also need someone we can connect with on an emotional level. How do you deal with stressful situations? How do you deal with joy? How you demonstrate your feelings are all crucial factors in finding someone compatible. Make sure any potential partners are aware of how you react emotionally, and if you don’t react the same way, at least make sure that your differences are compatible. For example, I’ve been in relationships where my partner expected me to respond to situations the way they would, but that just wasn’t who I was. I wish I were more effusive, but I’ve always been low-key, to quote Jeff Tweedy.
Some people need to discuss philosophical concepts all day long, and some people like to talk about pop culture. While having both people on your trivia team gives you a broader knowledge base, unless those people can find outlets for their intellectual needs, they will feel stifled in the relationship. There has to be a certain amount of intellectual interest overlap. You don’t want a clone of yourself, but you do want to be able to have enjoyable conversations.
Love is Transactional, Except When it’s Not
Love is like a job, the way people used to think about jobs. You went to work for a company and stayed for life. You dedicated yourself to a place, and you got something in return. Now it seems both relationships and jobs are ephemeral; people leave jobs, they leave partners, or they get fired from jobs and from partners.
In a relationship, you give a good portion of yourself to your partner. In return, they dedicate a part of themselves to you. You can consider this a transaction. No one should want to be with someone who doesn’t love them or doesn’t ever spend any time with them. There is almost always give and take. However, and this is important to recognize, there will be times when your partner cannot give as much to the relationship, and the transaction can only go one way. I have seen situations like this work and seen them be the end of a relationship. There may be traumatic events, deaths in the family, illnesses, or accidents that create a situation where one of the partners needs to take a more prominent role in the relationship. Recognizing when your partner needs more of you can save a relationship. In these situations, they may not be able to see it themselves or be capable of asking for help, but paying attention and being there in those times of need can make all the difference.
Forget the Endgame
A common question on dating sites is a version of “how long do you want your next relationship to last.” This is an unfortunate question to ask. To quote a song by The Old 97s, “Love is a marathon, sometimes you puke.” When you start a marathon, you don’t think about the finish line; you think about what’s just ahead of you. Even when you are fully committed and need to plan for retirement, your primary focus should still be on where you are at the moment. What can I do with my partner today, this month, this year? Show up every day and put one foot in front of another.
Communicate
Communication is a cliched trope in relationship advice. We are all told to communicate better, but how does that happen? Again, it comes back to being comfortable with yourself and choosing the right partner. I’ve had partners who have accepted me for who I was, and I was completely honest with them. On the other hand, I’ve had others who would judge me, and I found myself holding more and more back.
Another communication trick is to pay attention to old people and children. Neither of those groups cares what people think of what they say and will tell you exactly what’s on their minds. At some point, around middle school, we become hyper-aware of what others think of us and start constructing barriers to our authentic selves. Recognize that in yourself and take down those barriers. They can only inhibit honest communication.
A last little trick is to record arguments and take the time to analyze them afterward. Allow your partner to correct or retract things they hear on the recording. Then, use the recordings to come to a resolution.
Set time every day and every week to debrief and talk about the important topics of the day. I found this to be surprisingly tricky. It is amazing how the day can get away from us, so scheduling this time with your partner is imperative.
Stop Listening to Hacks on the Internet and Go to Counselling
This last idea is pretty straightforward. Most things you see on the internet ought to be suspect. The internet doesn’t know you, and you are individuals with your own little quirks. Early in the relationship, see someone who can get to know your individual needs and help guide you through any rough patches you encounter. And yes, this advice holds for me. Stop reading this article right now and go find someone who can get to know you and partner as individuals.
Henry James Morello 